Sumatran Rat Bear

I just watched Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead) again for Halloween. Good times.My boyfriend's sister found this (she named it the Sumatran Rat Bear):

Wild. My perception of what a bear looks like is destroyed. Their prehistoric nature can no longer be muddled by their glorious coat. This poor bear has a sad undignified look to her, but I imagine she can still eat my face off. I just cannot believe THIS is what bears look like under there!!!

To make matters worse, the veterinarians at the zoo don't know what's causing this. READ.

Leviticus also said...

Bless this man.

Trent Reznor finally hitched

I wish I had a less silly-ied up picture. But congratulations Trent Reznor and Mariqueen Maandig. Be happy.

Good to Know

In my decade of dabbling in the flower business, I've never encountered so many orders going to women who have either A. Birthed a stillborn B. Miscarried or C. had a child succumb to SIDS.
B. seems to be the most prominent in the last couple months.

I'm not making light of these horrible occurrences. I cannot fathom experiencing either. What I am puzzled about is the need to send flowers to the women who have lost children they briefly had, or never had the chance to know. There's something just WRONG about sending flowers. Something even stupid about it. When people call, they always tell me, in a barely audible voice, "It's for a woman who just had a miscarriage." Or "Her baby died shortly after birth." My immediate reaction is horror, and I don't understand how anyone can think "We must send her flowers." Or even worse, a fucking dishgarden! Fuck dishgardens!

I want to stop these people, tell them "What the fuck is wrong with you? Go to this person's house and TELL them, I am so sorry this happened. CALL THEM even." Shit, send them a card if you want to be passive about it. I just cannot fathom that any shred of relief or joy can be found in receiving flowers after the death of an infant. Especially one that was never aloud to exist in this world. I don't like it. Nothing sheds more light on the worthlessness of societal conventions than sending flowers to someone who has lost a baby.

That is all.

On that Note: The Vampires Who Loved Me

There is a plethora of vampire fiction out there, and most of it embarrassing.

Before discovering the glory of (though not always glorious) The Vampire Chronicles, I had some young adult fiction that conjured images that stick with me to this day. I still have my favorites of these books, though I've been afraid to look at them for fear of cringing. But I still retain a sense of what I liked about these vampire books, and I think it's worth mentioning them because they had more going for them than what I've been able to stomach reading from the Twilight series, and the crap I've seen of True Blood. I have no knowledge of the actual True Blood books, so I will refrain from harassment there.


The Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis-Klaus

I wish I had my copy handy, but it's in storage. I bought the paperback when I was either in 5th or 6th grade. This is the book I keep thinking of when I hear the plot of Twilight. Sullen Teenage girl with issues swept up by mysterious teenage boy who turns out to be a vampire. From glancing at some text that I could find online, it's not Moby Dick, but for young adult literature it's certainly not embarrassing:

"My words brought her near, yet she was shy of my touch. She ducked from my first advances, and danced on the shadow tip of my embrace, but I didn't give up."

What I find most noteworthy about this novel, is that Klaus was able to do the whole teenage girl falls for a vampire shtick in under 300 pages. And the cover I bought is the fucking Mona Lisa of vampire fiction compared to what is out there. The reissue cover is sadly feeling the Twilight push.


The Last Vampire by Christopher Pike

I'm definitely very hesitant about revisiting these, but man did Christopher Pike actually use his own damn imagination when he conjured the adventures of Sita (introduced as Alisa Perne), a 5,000 year old vampire. In the first of 6 books, she falls for a cute college boy who is the son of a man she's just killed. Something is stalking her, something older than her. It's difficult not to spill the beans, and just remembering all the revelations makes me excited because, again, Pike bothered to do something different. I still have all 6 of my little paperback books (NOTE: SMALL books, BIG on originality). An adaptation of these, done well, would be BAD ASS because Alisa Perne is a bad ass bitch. Though at this point it's clear that humanity is incapable of doing vampires with dignity.

From Book 1, first paragraph:

"I am a vampire, and that is the truth. But the modern meaning of the word vampire, the stories that have been told about creatures such as I, are not precisely true. I do not turn to ash in the sun, nor do I cringe when I see a crucifix. I wear a tiny gold cross now around my neck, but only because I like it. I cannot command a pack of wolves to attack or fly through the air. Nor can I make another of my kind simply by having him drink my blood. Wolves do like me, though, as do most predators, and I can jump so high that one might imagine I can fly. As to blood--ah, blood, the whole subject fascinates me. I do like that as well, warm and dripping, when I am thirsty. And I am often thirsty."

You could blow through these in a week:

The Last Vampire
The Last Vampire 2: Black Blood
The Last Vampire 3: Red Dice
The Last Vampire 4: Phantom
The Last Vampire 5: Evil Thirst
The Last Vampire 6: Creatures of Forever

Even if time hasn't been kind to Pike's writing style (again, I'm too scared to double check), unless Meyers has Indian vampires from 3000 B.C., ancient demons, faces smashed into mirrors and a castrated leper hanging from a tree, I'll pass.


Then of course there's the holy trinity:

Interview With the Vampire
The Vampire Lestat
The Queen of the Damned

This should go with out saying, and if you haven't read these three novels, you haven't read good vampire literature. And really, these are good literature in general. I mean it.

The other Vampire Chronicles novel that really "did it" for me is The Vampire Armand. Armand is a great vampire, has a fascinating history, and his story adds a whole new element to the first two novels. Marius' story, Blood and Gold is also interesting. Once Lestat became bizarrely religious, the series went downhill for me.

Read Dracula by Bram Stoker...twice. I'm good, thanks.

Sadly, that's it as far as literature goes.

In terms of film, the big Vampire ones are as follows, in order of first viewing:

Bram Stoker's Dracula - directed by Frances Ford Coppola 1992

I've said it a hundred times, this film is flawed but it is gorgeous, adds elements to Stoker's story that flesh it out (like, you know, boobs), has Gary Oldman and Romanian! I LOVED this movie. My mom took me to see it the weekend it was released because I'd already developed a healthy obsession with the Count who originated from my motherland. I love Oldman's young and old count. One does have to find a way to accept the horrifying miscasting of Keanu Reeves (sorry Keanu, I love you, but dude.) Having watched the film twice in the last couple years, I am pleased that it has held up. What visually strikes me about this film are the colors, there are amazing fabrics (and I am a whore for Victorian fashion in film) and great classic horror moments. My favorite will always be when Dracula, in bat form, stomps his foot and sets Van Helsing's cross on fire. "Look what your god has done to me!", then he backs into the closet leaving only his eyes visible, opens his arms and drops to the floor in the form of dozens of rats. GREAT!

Interview with the Vampire - directed by Neil Jordan 1994

Bless Neil Jordan for taking Rice's novel seriously. He didn't just make a great vampire film, he made a great film. Despite all the haters, Tom Cruise is AWESOME. There are many changes and omissions (one of my favorite parts of the novel is when Louise and Claudia actually go to Eastern Europe and have a run in with a dead brained vampire. A film in itself.) but they are easily forgivable as the energy of the novel is captured perfectly. This is in fact THE last great Vampire film as far as I'm concerned. 1994 people. Over a decade ago. Tragedy.

Blade - directed by Stephen Norrington 1998

As a mopey 8th grader, this film was a gift from the Heaven's above. Still think Stephen Dorff is a bad ass villain. Still think it's a good kick ass vampire action film...but let's face it, the end was nigh. Now no one can make a vampire film without models and latex. Bummer.

Nosferatu - directed by F.W. Murnau 1922

I finally saw this film in high school. I'm not as in love with it now as I used to be. I love Murnau's use of shadows, and always appreciated what Max Shreck did with make-up. This is a must see, regardless of your tastes. If you like vampires, this film is standard practice viewing.

Nosferatu, Phantom der nacht - directed by Werner Herzog 1979

I love this film. This tribute to Murnau's film surpasses it. Klaus Kinski takes the count to new heights, Isabelle Adjani is a very sympathetic Lucy (aka Mina) and Swiss actor Bruno Ganz (who recently showed the world what acting is in Downfall) plays Johnathan Harker with a sense of innocence that doesn't come off as stupid, like some other versions ::cough cough:: Like ALL of Herzog's films, there are excellent visuals. One of the most memorable involves a town overrun with white rats. WATCH IT!

Running theme, great directors make great vampire films. Funny how that works out.

Dracula - directed by Tod Browning 1931

Bela Lugosi's Dracula is classic, but he is one-uped by Dwight Frye's awesomely creepy Renfield. My favorite thing about this movie is that it's shot like a silent film. The lack of score compliments the mood of the film. A few years ago Philip Glass wrote a proper score for this film. Great stand alone music, annoying in the film as what was once silence is a constant barrage of sound. This film benefits from the silent moments. Good times.

Vampyr - Carl Theodor Dreyer 1932


I had high expectations when I first watched this, and I have to say I wasn't blown away, but there are some great visuals. An element is lacking, but I do want to watch it again. Dreyer's masterpiece is The Passion of Joan of Arc, hands down one of the best films ever made.


Reminiscing has made me realize that more recent vampire films tend to be pooped out by Hollywood, based on mediocre literature, directed by people who don't really take the material seriously.

I did, however, enjoy Swedish vamp film Let the Right One In 2008. But Hollywood is readying to destroy that films dignity. Thanks a bunch!

Why can't I have low low low expectations? I'll probably bitch about vampires annually at this point. Happy October!

New Moon

This is the funniest shit I've seen in awhile.


I have NEVER understood this ideal of manhood. This poor boy wants some potatoes. If the Twilight series were purposefully doing a parody of romance novels with vampires and werewolves I would respect Meyers, but this is awful. I cannot stop laughing every time I look upon this photo anew.

Retard is Polite

There are endless examples of how many of these people are clueless as to what they are freaking out about. These are just two, courtesy of Crooks and Liars.

Diego Velazquez- "Portrait of a Man"

I have no basic knowledge on 17th century Spanish painter Diego Velazquez, but when I caught sight of this photo of a restored self-portrait on the New York Times website while looking for I don't even remember what, I was immediately drawn in. I also love that it isn't framed yet. This makes the painting seem more like a creation than a gilded object. I really cannot recall what I went to the site for in the first place. I say, well played Velazquez. Glad you got your painting cred back.

Jupiter in the Sky

Absolutely stunning. I hope to see such a sky one night, somewhere on this Earth.

Jupiter over the Mediterranean. Thanks NASA.

2009 Films so far...

Since moving to Wilmington I haven't gone to the movies as much by a long shot...but then again, there hasn't been much worth running out to see. And without any actual independent theatres (baffling) the choices are severely limited, which is really best for my wallet.

These are the best and not so best films of 2009 I've seen so far, in alphabetical order so I don't get too confused:

Adventureland - quite good coming of age story. Kristen Stewart has the potential to rise above that other shit I refuse to name.

Angels and Demons- WOW. The one shred of goodness is the token amazing-foreign-actor-grossly-underused-in a-shitty-Hollywood-film, Danish actor Nikolaj Lie Kaas. To understand the gift being flashed before your eyes during this hurricane of embarrassment watch-

Brødre (2004)- Brothers, soon to be destroyed by a remake starring Hollywood children.
Elsker dig for evigt (2002)- Open Hearts, also by Susanne Bier, also about to be tainted by a Hollywood remake.

Bruno- so much potential, but never focuses the way Borat did.

District 9- the first 15 minutes or so are great, but a film that so blatantly displays apartheid imagery needs to back that shit up, and it never does. It seems like the director had a great idea that he didn't have the capacity to flesh out. Too bad.

Drag me to hell*Oh Sam Raimi, Groves High School alumni, please continue to bestow such gifts as these upon the world. I beg thee. And this is such a great poster. Alison Lohman really goes for it in this film, and it wouldn't have been as great if she'd hesitated with all the gross crap that ends up on her face or in her mouth. Just WATCH IT!

Duplicity- Well, Julia Roberts and Clive Owen really do have good chemistry, but the peak of the film occurs during a slow motion upper class white man fight between Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson. And then the two never have a scene together again. I think that's the problem, frankly.

Funny People- Horrendously disappointing. So excruciatingly long. What works is the dynamic between Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman, and Jonah Hill. Fuck Adam Sandler. Oh, and Eric Bana was wonderful and wasted wasted wasted.

The Girlfriend Experience- I love that Soderbergh can still effortlessly move between big budget and low budget films. Great film.

The Hangover- definitely one of the best comedies to come out this year.

The Hurt Locker*I hope this is Kathryn Bigelow's renaissance because this is the best film she's done, and it is one of the best films I've seen so far this year. It's also the best film done so far on the current Iraq War, and I think it achieves this because it's not preaching at me or trying to sum up a war that is still going on. Instead it focuses (key word) on one aspect of a larger whole, namely an Explosive Ordinance Disposal unit. Jeremy Renner gets to star in a movie and not be the "bad guy" which is a nice change, plus there are two really great cameos which I will not spoil because when they show up it's fantastic. At least it was for me.

I Love You, Man- amusing and cuddly comedy.

In the Loop- I just saw this recently, and I was crying with laughter. It's that sharp endless barrage of British wit that does it for me, but it's great that the American side is just as well written and well timed. This is a political comedy about going to war and the bullshit involved behind the scenes. Definitely the funniest film I've seen this year, next to Observe and Report.

Inglourious Basterds*The joy I felt in watching this film cannot be properly expressed. I'm not going to rush to say it's THE best Tarantino film, but my lord it's up there. The second time around (and OH there will be a third) I really appreciated the way each scene is structured. The long build ups to explosive climaxes are genius, my favorite being the Tavern scene, and if you don't know what I mean, honey get your slow ass to the theatre. This is a wonderful fantasy war film, and people turned off by it are a complete mystery to me. Not to mention, the hype is true, it does contain one of the best performances ever captured on film, by the above German actor Christoph Waltz.

The International- Um, so Clive Owen is really attractive. A film lampooning the banking industry is just what the world needs. Tricking me into thinking you're making such a film and then devolving it into some action thing makes me very very sad. Though the shoot out in the museum of modern art was pretty cool.

Observe and Report*Taxi Driver: the comedy. What else do you NEED?!?!?! I love this movie.

Public Enemies- ::gagging noises:: I still don't understand how boring this film is. I'm bitter.

Star Trek- amusing enough. Nothing new.

State of Play- not bad at all. Definitely felt like it was missing some intricate details. Am looking forward to watching the actual British TV show. Russel Crowe is definitely sweet.

Taken- overall, should be considered a crap film. It's straightforward and is very satisfying to watch Liam Neeson beat some ass. Only Liam Neeson could make this film worthwhile.

Terminator Salvation- SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHH!

Two Lovers- excellent character interaction for the first 10-15min, then it turned into the lamest love triangle forced drama bullshit. Hated it.

Up- not quite as emotionally affecting as WALL-E, but still wonderful.

Watchmen- not OK.

Whatever Works- Larry David is great, but not the best Allen film.

X-men origins: Wolverine- made me appreciate Terminator Salvation. It hurts.